you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You're like the curious george of whores
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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