I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
