Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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