I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
