i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
