I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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