Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
