Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
