Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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