my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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