How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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