Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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