Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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