I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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