shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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