highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
