Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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