Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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