Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
she looked like the before picture.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize