Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
