You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
