I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Semen is not good for contacts.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
