Kiss
Puke
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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