I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
