Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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