I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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