The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
