i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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