We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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