i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Randomize
