i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
