I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
