I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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