I cannot find my penis.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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