ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
