I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
