I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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