yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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