FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
