This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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