Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
