My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
