i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
