Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize