my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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