I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
