I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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