He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
