how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
