I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
