You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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