My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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