he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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