Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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