I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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