OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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