9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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