my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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