FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
