see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
